Wednesday, July 29, 2009

There comes a time

I have been staring at this blank blog screen for a few weeks now.  I'll sign in to make a post and end up signing out after endless minutes of a blank mind for typing.  I wish I could just connect my thoughts directly to the computer screen; it would be much easier that way.  I will do my best to give you an honest and whole hearted update of my journey through life as we speak.

I will start by telling you that all I want is to be happy, just as anyone does.  I know this is what my family, friends, and fans want for me as well and I really appreciate that.  At this time in my life I am the happiest I have EVER been.  With that said, I have to admit that I have not been completely happy with my life for the past couple years.  Bodybuilding has been my love, my life, and honestly my sanctuary for the past 11 years when I first competed at the age of 14.  I dedicated my entire adolescence through my current age of 25 to eating, breathing, sleeping, and living bodybuilding.  The drive and determination that I held was relentless and could scare almost any demon away, or for that matter attract them.  I feel like I was so consumed by this force that it made me oblivious to the reality of life.  I had a dream that began when I was only 14 years old and that dream was to turn professional in women's bodybuilding.  As time passed, each year competing and placing no less than 3rd, I was becoming closer and closer to achieving my dream.  Receiving sponsorships and working with amazing photographers for articles and layouts in the most popular bodybuilding and fitness magazines was a dream come true.  The odd thing is when it actually became my time in 2008, having my professional card in clear sight, the passion and desire to ruin my body had finally began to wither away.  Bodybuilding is a sport that caters to persons many different wants and needs.  Entering the sport I gained confidence I never imagined having.  This confidence turned to envy which then turned into a habit, and continued to run it's course, becoming an addiction; which some believe to be a healthy addiction.  For me it was not.  I was totally consumed by things that I could no longer control.  I HAD to train, I HAD to eat, I HAD to do what I HAD to do when I HAD to do it.  It didn't matter what anyone else wanted or needed, nothing was going to stop me or get in my way of what I felt I needed to do.  My ways made me the most independent person I know, but also the most selfish and inconsiderate.  Even in the midst of all this it was worth it to me because I wanted to be a professional bodybuilder and I was in love with the sport.  There is no doubt in my mind that I was in love with bodybuilding; dieting, competing, training, and everything that comes with being an admirable athlete.  I was star struck to know that I was rising to the level of the ones I had always admired.  It's the most flattering feeling to know that you have "fans" and people all around the world know who you are and even look up to you.  That I have to say is the most fulfilling part of bodybuilding; knowing that you can impact other peoples lives and give people the drive to follow their dreams.  I don't always have the chance to answer every email that I receive but I most definitely try to read them all, and I thank each and every person that has taken the time to impact my life with something as small and thoughtful as an email.  I try to always give you my positive thoughts and advice when presented with the opportunity.

I feel like I am rambling here.  I will tell you personally that I will always have a passion for bodybuilding, it served as my first love, but now I am at a crossroads in life where I feel I need to venture down a road that has been less taken the majority of my life.  I want to live live freely, love freely, and have the actual sense of freedom.  I want to be known as just me for once.  There are so many things in life that I want to do but have always been restricted due to bodybuilding.  I admit that these restrictions were self-made but I wanted to be the best and I was willing to do anything to get there.  To elaborate, I restricted myself from serious relationships, family, friends, and just life in general.  I felt that I had to have that sense of independence and control to be my absolute best.  Now I can see how silly this all appears.  Things that seem so important one day can seem completely irrelevant the next.  I think this all ties in with me growing older and realizing what really matters in life, understanding that my friends and family and strong relationships create happiness for me.  For the last 2 years I have been struggling to let bodybuilding go; feeling scared and afraid of being lost without my sense of achievement.  I am so happy to say that I have finally come to ends with those thoughts.  I can not say that I will "never" compete again but I can say that I am the happiest I have ever been just living life day to day, knowing that I have made a positive difference in women's bodybuilding and others lives.

Thank you so much for listening!

I love you all and hope you will continue to follow my life as I will always portray and promote a healthy physical lifestyle.

All my love,